The Emaciated PCV Diet

If I had to guess, I've probably lost at least 30 pounds since moving to Ghana. Maybe you've seen my before and after pictures on Facebook, and people have asked how it's done. And yes, finally, I'm going to share my secrets with YOU! In January, I was the fattest I ever was – maybe about 200 pounds. I like to think I wasn't that fat at the time, but I'll leave that up to you. Sure, I let loose a bit. Thanksgiving, Christmas, a Guinness touring trip to Ireland and pre-Ghana festivities succeeded to fatten me up for the long haul of Peace Corps (see before picture). Eleven months later, I'm around 165. Most of that layer of American goodness was gone within six months (see after picture). So what happened? Ghana, and I'm going to call this The Emaciated PCV Diet. It comes in four easy steps:

1. Eat less, but more carbs. In the case of weight loss, it adds up that less food will indeed take the pounds off. We increase the carbohydrate intake to about 80% of the diet, at maybe 1,500 calories plus or minus 500. Try to squeeze in some vegetables, beans, eggs if you have a chance or other proteins into the remaining 20%, so to not make the loss more overly-dramatic than it is. Absolutely no dairy, meats or sugars. Meat is only acceptable on high holidays. Eat popcorn for dinner most nights, and you should be somewhat hungry throughout the day with cravings for soft white bread. Don't give in each time, but every now and then it's ok. Beer shouldn't significantly impact the diet, so feel free to drink, just no more than once a week or when the opportunity arises. Maybe put a few down for Wednesday lunch. You shouldn't be miserable about the diet, and don't let it dominate your life, like “oh, no thanks, I'm on that new Emaciated PCV Diet.” Don't be rude. Feel free to eat if offered food. Do take a daily multivitamin just to err on the safe side, and hope it does something.

2. Get sick, lose your appetite. Getting sick isn't that fun, but when you're sick you lose the most weight, so the longer the better. The easiest way to eat less is to feel like eating nothing at all. If you are strict enough with your diet, you should get tired of your food selection and feel like eating nothing. This is preferred over getting sick. If you manage to vomit and run diarrhea on the same trip to the bathroom, you should literally feel like you weigh less. This one is the most dangerous, however. Oftentimes when you're sick, you don't feel like consuming anything. Especially if you have diarrhea, it's very important to stay hydrated, so force down the water.

3. Run chronic diarrhea. This is not the kind of diarrhea that happens when you're on an ice cream date and you eat too much, get gas, and then become embarrassed by making an unscheduled stop at a toilet, but is all better the next day. Perhaps the best way to get this is by drinking sour milk, eating dirt, or something that will induce your own resident intestinal parasites. In Ghana, we get them from consuming everyday contaminated food or water. These amoebas will not only take a portion of your diet for themselves, but they'll prevent effective digestion and cause chronic diarrhea, achieved after at least two weeks of watery stools. The nice part is they don't have to come more than once a day and they sometimes go away for a few days. Strangely, you get used to it after a while. More diarrhea means shedding more weight. The little food you eat will quickly pass through your system, adding to malnourishment and weight loss (i.e. malnutrition-diarrhea cycle). Do stay hydrated with plenty of water. On bad diarrhea days (3+ times) take a liter of water with oral rehydration salts (ORS) after each visit to the bathroom. Gatorade tastes better, but remember we're not taking sugar. The U.S. may be a few steps ahead of ORS, so these little sachets may not be available at the store. In this case, you have to make your own by adding two teaspoons of salt – depending on how ambitious you feel – to one liter of water. Diarrhea causes you to lose more fluids than you think, so be smart about it. It will also help to create a mental map of your toilet options for the day. Don't venture too far away from one. When you're satisfied with the weight loss or are simply are fed up with the diarrhea, take Secnidazole 2g all at once. At this point, be sure you're well stocked with toilet paper and ORS, and maybe take a day or two off from work.

4. Exercise. Just because every good diet has an exercise component. But this diet is so effective that I haven't gone for a jog since June, so really exercise is just a bonus to whatever you get from parts 1-3. It's simply too hot here and I'm too lazy to get up and run in the morning, unless I have a race to motivate me. I like my mornings like a cup of coffee and chirping birds, and with this diet you can do just that. After all, exercise with diarrhea isn't the best idea.

The point of this post is to consider how many people live The Emaciated PCV Diet as a reality that's taken for granted, minus part four. People don't exercise. I'll live through some malnourishment and will be home soon enough eating deep dish pizza with beer – ice water with lemon on the side.

Let's appreciate high food standards, clean running water, toilets, flies that aren't carrying giardia and the luxury of the produce section in grocery stores. Most Ghanaians can't comprehend these things – and that's tens of millions of people just in Ghana alone. Instead of feeling bad about it or spoiled about having a toilet, it should rather be celebrated and capitalized upon. No American has an excuse to have an unhealthy diet other than by choice. The amount of time or money you have is irrelevant. Choose to live and eat well when the option is there.

Before:

After:

I promise The Emaciated PCV Diet really does work! I can't recommend it unless you join Peace Corps.

Side effects include but are not limited to hunger, indigestion, loose stools, prolonged diarrhea, slowed growth of facial hair and general tiredness.